This is me. Reflecting.
This could turn into a ramble...
I have never really gotten into giving something up for Lent. I could never think of something to abstain from that I thought was "worthy" or that I thought would be possible. Some people do a period of fasting, only eating for x number of hours throughout the day, for example. Others might give up chocolate or sweets or carbs or some other tasty treat. This year, I felt particularly drawn (for a variety of reasons) to the idea of abstaining from all alcohol for Lent. If you know me, you know that's a pretty significant sacrifice!
Part of this has been to reflect on the Lent/Easter season, but to be honest, much of it has been to prove I can. Mental health and substance use issues run in our extended family and it is something I am constantly aware of. I have to make sure I keep myself in check. My brothers and I are holding each other accountable and talk openly about our awareness for our potential tendencies towards these "disorders".
At this point in my life, I have never considered alcohol an issue. I love wine, I enjoy a good few beers in the summer time, I like to celebrate, I occasionally have a drink to loosen up before a social event where it will be present anyway. As an adult, a wife, a working person, and a parent it has never affected my daily life. I am very grateful for this. I am grateful that our family is open and very aware, and some of those who do struggle are willing to share. While it has never been a problem for me, I need to constantly remind myself that it could become one some day. Of course, everybody could develop a dependency to alcohol beyond enjoying a glass in the evening, or few beers while playing games. Not everybody has genetic markers that could make them more likely to develop unhealthy relationships with substances.
I consider myself to be fairly self-aware. I take Wellbutrin, which is an anti-depressant, daily for my anxiety, and it helps immensely. It brings my general anxiety from a constant 6-9 (which, for me, can lead to depression-like symptoms), down to a 2-3. I'll always be a perfectionist and a planner and an ISTJ and a slightly anxious person; no amount of medication will fix that (because it doesn't need to be fixed!!!). Taking Wellbutrin does, however prevent me from potentially self-medicating in other, more harmful ways.
Back to my relationship with alcohol... In my early 20's it became a running joke that if I ever turned down a drink it meant I was pregnant. I probably earned that reputation at some point, but eventually as I matured, I started to feel pressure to accept the drink every. single. time. I think part of this was because we struggled for 18 months to get pregnant with Dominic, and if anyone mentioned the "P" word, I might get upset. Often times I'd walk into a house and a drink would practically be in my hand before I put down my purse. It just came to me! Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, it was highly convenient and appreciated at that time! I don't think it ever became a problem, but I want to make sure it never does.
So, I thought, let me see how hard it would be to really abstain from all alcohol for 6 weeks. I anticipated a real struggle. I expected there would be moments of weakness, moments of temptation, and moments of failure/"cheating" as we Lent people call it. I am thrilled to report that I am 38 days in and doing great!
**I did "cheat" on our weekend in Kelowna, but this weekend in wine country was planned long before I gave this Lent sacrifice any thought**.
Being sober for 6 weeks has been eye-opening; so much so it's sort of unsettling. When we go to a dinner, a party, or have people over on a Friday night I often get up at the end of the night and marvel at how great I feel! I feel totally awake! I'm 100% sober! I have no fear of waking up with a headache in the morning! There's the added bonus of getting to/leaving an event and not even having to have the, "Who's driving? Are you okay to drive?" discussion. It's almost embarrassing to share these revelations because they seem so obvious! Other than when I was pregnant, I never gave myself the chance.
Where do I go from here? I am looking forward to Lent being over. I am looking forward to being able to sit down with a glass of wine every once in a while. I am looking forward to some beer in the summer evenings. However, I no longer feel like I have to accept every drink offer, like I have to have wine every night just because it's there, like I have to keep up with my brothers drink for drink even though they're a lot bigger than I am, like I have to get that buzz to laugh hysterically and be silly.
Just because I have a healthy relationship with alcohol now, doesn't mean I always will. I have to make sure I'm keeping myself in check, knowing there are likely genetic factors contributing to less than ideal coping mechanisms.
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading my random Friday night musings!
Edited to add:
Another thing I've been thinking about is this culture on social media among moms that seems to romanticize alcohol. "My toddler is being crazy today, so I opened the wine at 10am!" "Noon: When wine replaces coffee!" It's everywhere! I understand the sentiment and agree some days feel like that, and I've definitely had all these thoughts before. I'm sure we all have; counting down the minutes until bed-time. I have been thinking about the way this could condone substance use as a coping mechanism for the inevitable stress and exhaustion that comes with having children, and how it implies that having kids literally drives us to drink.
It's past my bedtime, and I'm having a hard time finding the words, but in this blog, the writer said it much better.
I'm not sure how this turned into a crazy rant about our culture/society, but I just found it interesting, and am grateful for how I was raised.
Some examples of the funny, but potentially misunderstood mom memes.
Edited to add:
Another thing I've been thinking about is this culture on social media among moms that seems to romanticize alcohol. "My toddler is being crazy today, so I opened the wine at 10am!" "Noon: When wine replaces coffee!" It's everywhere! I understand the sentiment and agree some days feel like that, and I've definitely had all these thoughts before. I'm sure we all have; counting down the minutes until bed-time. I have been thinking about the way this could condone substance use as a coping mechanism for the inevitable stress and exhaustion that comes with having children, and how it implies that having kids literally drives us to drink.
It's past my bedtime, and I'm having a hard time finding the words, but in this blog, the writer said it much better.
I'm not sure how this turned into a crazy rant about our culture/society, but I just found it interesting, and am grateful for how I was raised.
Some examples of the funny, but potentially misunderstood mom memes.
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