Thankful Thursday - 211 & Lately

Okay, after my vent on Monday I'm feeling a little better (helps to talk it out sometimes), and ready to think about some things I have to be thankful for!

1. Yoga. I've been doing yoga every day for almost a month. It wasn't a resolution, I don't even think I had considered it at new years; it just sort of happened. I have a long way to go, and am definitely not flexible, but it's been really nice to carve out 20-30 minutes a day to do something good for me like that. David is very supportive of it and even lets me sneak away while the kids are still awake sometimes! 

On Yoga with Adriene's videos, she always has her dog Benji in the room with her. Nearly every single time I go upstairs to do yoga Sherlock tags along. Love it!

2. Independent play. Dom is the ultimate independent player. I know I've mentioned it before, but he spends 2+ hours straight in his room every day playing all by himself. It was nap time, but now 90% of the time he chooses to have "Quiet time" instead. He asks us to bring a particular toy or group of toys into his room (usually cars), and he goes to town. He makes up stories and has dialogues with his toys (usually he calls them by Paw Patrol names and makes up Paw Patrol stories), and zooms his cars around. He lays down and reads books for long periods of time, stands up to look out his window, and occasionally crawls into bed and has a snooze. I think it creates really great self-awareness and independence knowing he can choose to sleep if he's tired, and he can be okay to play by himself. To this day (knock on wood), he has never once complained about us putting him in his room for quiet time or tried to sneak out early.
Emilia is also entering the age of independent play, but that's hard, because Dom is always around. She's trying to assert herself as she wants to figure things out for herself. The last two days she's locked herself in the corner with some puzzles and yells NO! at anyone who tries to come near her. She just wants some peace and space apparently haha! 
ALSO they are both really into their sensory bins (rice buckets) and stickers right now, and will play for a long time without throwing rice. 

Thank you Aunty Ashleigh for the fun sticker sheets!

Dom using his tools to "fix our table"

This is Emilia asserting her independence and having immediate regret. She demanded I put on her sweater, puffy vest and jacket HAHAHA!

"Could she BE wearing any more clothes?!?!"

Put himself to sleep one day near the end of quiet time :)

3. My Shutterfly book! I managed to get my 2019 book done in time for the free photobook coupon a couple weeks ago! I love these books. I don't include a lot of info (that's what the blog is for), but it is a fun snapshot of our year.  

4. Outside. Since before we moved in I knew I wished our yard had main-floor access, but it doesn't and it's tiny so we have to make use of other areas around our house. The spot our unit is situated is right close to a green patch and has very little car traffic out front. We have spent lots of time out there lately playing with some Christmas gifts, and the tried & true outside toys they love!


Lately
Instead of writing two separate posts and posting on the same day, or trying to come up with "thankful" items for all the pictures I want to post, I'm just going to combine posts here. Here are some more pictures of life lately! There are a lot of photos in one week... NEW PHONE FOR THE WIN! 

Ya-yow! (Airplane)

Dom's BMW. He's still too nervous to go in/drive it, but Emilia was a champ haha. Dom enjoyed cheering her on from the sidelines.

She returned the favour by cheering Dom on while he played hockey with Dad!

Proof of Mom. I've been trying to slow down and let Dom help with cooking when he wants to (which is often...). Easier said than done.

Scott and Ashleigh gave everyone some frozen pizza dough balls at Christmas-time, so we thawed one of those out. Very authentic! 

Our yummy BBQ Chicken Pizza! (Rectangular because we have a rectangle baking stone :)

These kids spend a lot of time in their jammies....

Isabella was baptized last Sunday, so we took the opportunity to take a Chickaletta group shot! I think everyone is in this one! 14 kids and 7 mother hens! What will our group photo look like 5 years from now?!

We finally (FINALLY) got rid of our Christmas tree. It was out on our balcony for a month before Dave finally did his annual "chuck it off the balcony" and broke it down so it fits in the compost bin. Considering we got it at the end of November and it's just been outside for the last month it was in great shape still! I felt a little sad that it had to die (my inner Phoebe made an appearance). 

Completely their idea. I had to restrain from hovering as he jolted her around in that thing. 

We went for play and pizza at my parents' place. They are confined upstairs almost completely as their whole main floor is being renovated. It's cozy, but it works. 

We are totally turning a corner in how these two play. It's lots of fighting, but also way more cooperative playing than there used to be. It makes my heart fuzzy to hear them creating games together. 

We took advantage of the empty kitchen by bringing Dom's hockey sticks along!

Above-mentioned green space right beside our place.

Love her <3

Now that I'm taking so many more (decent) photos, I may have to post more than once a week! 

Don't Let Perfect be the Enemy of Good

Okay, so I rabbit-holed, as tends to happen when I am feeling passionate and convicted about something and start writing... Anyway, here goes!

Came across this this morning and laughed at its accuracy

There is a difference to being a high-achiever and a perfectionist. A high-achiever sets high goals and has high standards, works hard to achieve these things, and is often successful. A perfectionist sets high(er) goals and has high(er) standards, and if these standards aren’t perfectly met they can be very critical of themselves and view the whole situation as a failure.

I waiver between the two. In seasons of excellent mental health I am a high-achiever and I feel happy, confident, successful, energetic, etc.

Then there are the dips in my roller-coaster of emotions and mentality. These are the times where I am extraordinarily critical of myself, view most everything as a failure, stop trying things that I’m not 100% confident in my ability of, get stressed out if I only accomplish 8/10 things on my to-do list, and let anxiety and neuroticism get the best of me. One of the hardest parts about this, is that I KNOW it’s just me being a perfectionist, and everything is good enough, and I am succeeding, and I have no reason to be insecure. I KNOW these things, yet the inner voice nags and nags and gets louder and louder.

I am in such a season. I know I shouldn’t be so critical, but then I become critical of myself for being so critical of myself. There are so many things that should be celebrated, but instead I can only focus on what I could have done better, what I messed up, what this person probably thought of me, or how this other person could have done such a better job than me. Sounds ridiculous, right?

It’s a toxic way of thinking, and I try hard to dig myself out of it. I am a natural cynic, so giving myself a pep talk, or receiving a pep talk from others (*cough David*) often falls on deaf ears. “Ya ya ya I know I know.” David actually called me out this time, bringing awareness to my perfectionism and noticing how it was affecting my (our) daily life.

In my last two job interviews, I was asked to list some of my strengths and weaknesses, or “areas of improvement”. One of my weaknesses listed was being a perfectionist. I know it seems like a cop-out answer; one of those “weaknesses disguised as a strength”. At both interviews the interviewer said, “Okay, so I don’t get how that’s a weakness. Can you explain?” Really though, this is a detrimental part of my personality at times. Sure, it makes me a high achiever and a hard worker and I generally produce good results, but at what cost? It is something I do and will struggle with forever, and it is definitely a conscious area of improvement.

“Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.” – a quote from the Happiness Project with Gretchen Rubin. I haven’t listened to many of her podcasts (yet – I’ll have to make the time), but this quote has always stuck out to me.

If this whole idea of perfectionism is totally foreign to you, here are some real, recent examples of the way my brain tends to work…

Perfectionist: I failed at dry January and only made it until the 22^nd (work event). I am a quitter and a failure.
New way of thinking: I was able to easily go three weeks taking control of my health and avoiding alcohol even in difficult situations/environments.

Perfectionist: I ruined dinner and nobody should want to eat it because there isn’t enough sauce on the pizza (honestly, I know how ridiculous this sounds, but it happened yesterday)
New way of thinking: I made pizza with real pizza dough and the crust didn’t fall apart! Dave and the kids all loved it, and David reminded me we can just dip it in more sauce…

Perfectionist: Avoiding my lettering because last time I picked up the pens nothing turned out how I wanted. I haven’t posted on Instagram in so long; I should probably just give up and delete the account or abandon ship.
New way of thinking: This outlet is for nobody but myself. The fact that I can share on social media and receive encouragement and feedback is awesome, but I am creating these beautiful pieces and learning every time and developing different parts of my brain.

Perfectionist: This house is completely falling apart. Look at all these toys lying around, dishes on the counters, water and dog hair on the floor. I am so lazy.
New way of thinking: Look at all the fun that the kids had today. Good job taking nap time to sit down and relax instead of exhausting yourself with the house work that really can wait.

Perfectionist: I don’t know how David puts up with me being so critical of myself and him. He should get frustrated more often and tell me to bugger off; I deserve it.
New way of thinking: Don’t think like that… Be grateful for David’s personality and grace.

Perfectionist: I didn’t properly prepare and stumbled over my words at a work event. Clearly everyone went home thinking about how foolish and immature I am.
New way of thinking: I socialized the crap out of that event. I smiled, I met people, I networked, I extroverted, I remembered names, and I did my best!

Perfectionist: I shouldn’t have spent that $2.79 on that Iced Capp. That is money we shouldn’t be spending because we’re stressed financially and what a terrible example I’m setting.
New way of thinking: I deny myself so many things in order to save money, and I work very hard, so taking $3 to sit back and treat myself is totally okay.

Honestly, even as I write these “New way of thinking” bits, I feel anxiety creep up in my chest because I don’t know if I believe the things I’m writing. I want to write, “Isn’t that silly? Isn’t that pathetic? How dumb is that?” No, Renee. It’s none of those things. You’re none of those things.

I’m willing to bet if you read this, you learned something about me! I don’t think I seem like this extreme of a perfectionist on the outside. It’s almost entirely an internal battle for me. I am (clearly) very conscious of the way my brain is working and how it is holding me back from greater joy and peace. I know the rollercoaster will shoot up the next hill and my way of thinking will shift. This will most likely come with a shift in the weather – longer brighter days, warmer temperatures, sunshine, etc. I am working on self-care right now with exercise, eating well, trying to positively affirm myself, doing yoga, getting fresh air, and staying connected with David.

*This is not a cry for help*, more a journal entry that I decided to make public because I’m sure there are many, many people who can relate. I often feel a lot better after writing, and I expect this will give me motivation to work towards not letting perfection be the enemy of good.

The all too familiar cycle. As I mature and become more aware of myself, I tend to spend longer in the "Try Again" and "All or Nothing" stages, and fly through the last three in the matter of a couple weeks. I'm sure my Wellbutrin has a lot to do with that, too!

Thankful Thursday - 210

Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed or laying on the couch. Wednesday night was a 13 hour work day for me, including a social event that went late into the evening. I had a people (and wine) hangover in the morning. Thank goodness the kids were happy to watch the Wiggles for an hour while I rested, and then I slept their whole nap time, and then slept 8 hours last night! Whew! #peopledout

This week I am thankful for...

1. Said work event. I love that I get to go eat food, meet people, drink good wine, etc. and get paid for it! We had our President's Scholarship Dinner at Coast Restaurant in Vancouver Wednesday evening. It was a classy affair where people pay $1,000 for their plate (obviously almost all of this goes towards the Scholarship fund), and everyone networks, mingles, and gets to know each other. 

I designed (with David's guidance) programs/menus for the event, and was put in charge of making name tags for the seating arrangement. I obviously put my hobby to good use here and made these lovely name tags with my lettering. A couple people asked, "where we got these done." Haha just me in my basement!

30 people was the perfect number for the space we'd rented. We also had Blair Dufty from Vanessa Vineyards in the Similkameen Valley come to do a wine presentation for us. Every dish was paired with one of their wines. 

Good thing I had my new phone or these pictures would have been much less pretty! Steve asked me to get some photos of the food to look back on, so I became "that guy". 

Crab cake

Wine table at the welcome reception.

One entree sample - ahi tuna. I got the beef tenderloin which was obviously delicious, but didn't photograph as well as this beautiful dish.

Spencer Gerth, one of the Men's Hockey players at Trinity, and recipients of the President's Scholarship shared a bit of his story.

This dessert. Chocolate Glowbe. Basically a ball of chocolate mousse covered in more chocolate surrounded by strawberry puree. Served with port from Burrowing Owl (which I was presently surprised by). *Drool* Chocolate mousse is my favorite dessert.

2. Networking. At the event I passed David's information along to a new development team (developing townhomes, condos, etc.) in case they need photos/vidoes of their projects. They're very receptive; it's all who you know! Speaking of which, I was hanging out with this lovely woman, Esther, and I was talking about how Dave and I try to get away for a marriage maintenance trip once a year, but I wasn't sure if/when it would happen this year. Out of nowhere she offered us her place at Walnut Beach Resort in Osoyoos. She said to just let her know the dates (not July/August), and she'll arrange it for us... Wow what a blessing. I am 100% taking her up on this! We haven't discussed dates or childcare yet, but I'm super excited already! Last year's trip to Cove Lakeside Resort in Kelowna was absolutely needed for us. 

3. MY NEW PHONE! Finally I have upgraded my phone! I went from a Samsung S6 to a Google Pixel 3aXL. It's large, but/and it also has one of the best cameras and photo processors on the market in this price range. We have ordered a Renee-proof Otter box case, but for now it's just in a case off Amazon. Don't drop the phone, Renee... (I'm notoriously clumsy with my phone). Anyway, I'm really enjoying the camera, since that's primarily what I used my old phone for. Get ready for some improved quality photos!

4. A mini-date. My mom came and watched the kids for an hour and a half yesterday evening. Dave and I walked the dog and then dropped him off and then went to Starbucks for a quick date (where he helped me with my phone settings since I hadn't had time to properly set it up)!

Testing out night-mode. Wow!

Testing out selfie-mode. Twice the phone came back with a bubble that said, "raise phone for a better angle". Apparently our selfie game is weak! Haha

Check out that bokeh! (when the lights in the background get all fuzzy and circular haha)
*Photographer's wife*

Well... we tried!

Okay, so potty training last weekend was a total bust. I had prepped and planned to do the 3-day method, and was 100% committed to such. Dom was prepared and excited about it right up until the moment he first had to pee on the potty. Everything was downhill from there. He has the awareness to know when he has to pee, and what he has to do, but he developed a mysterious fear of peeing without a diaper on. He screamed and cried and broke my heart every time he had to pee and ran around the house panicked until he finally released and had an accident. The first time he sat on the potty and screamed and cried and hugged me until he peed on the potty, but after that nothing made it to the potty. It was honestly the hardest day I've had in a long time. I haven't felt like such an awful mother since he was 3 days old and I was hormonal and he wasn't gaining weight. Whew!! At about 430 pm I called it. I didn't think there was any way he would transition out of this fear my himself, and he just wasn't ready. 

It was garbage day, so here he is waving goodbye to his diapers as he helped me throw them in the trash. Secretly we kept them because diapers are expensive! Now I'm very glad we did, but he is quite confused about how we got more diapers at the end of the day when the garbage truck took them haha! 

He is still very proud of himself for trying, and excited about his underwear, and will happily pretend on the potty. We will try again another day. I had purposefully left the weekend with no plans so we could be home and focus, but now we had freedom! 

Such a big boy <3 

Side note: I know I'm not a horrible mother, it was just hard to "cause" so much panic and stress for him. Also, I was extra stressed because I hate quitting. I am very result-oriented, so not completing the plan is hard for me. 

SO! Freedom... What do we do?! Saturday morning we were invited to have breakfast at the Oasis with Mom & Oma D. Once the kids got some food in their system they were running around playing. I totally remember being young and goofy and playful like that with my brothers. Does everyone get nostalgic watching their kids play? The rest of the day we actually hung around at home. I was still emotionally exhausted from Friday, and our power was out from 1030-5. It came back on just in time to make dinner so we had some pizzas. 

Crazy breakfast monster

He did this puzzle on his own and I'm so impressed! It doesn't have regular puzzle pieces, they're more shapes that align instead of clicking together. 35 pieces for ages 4+!

Reason for power outage

Was upstairs getting their jammies and heard Dom, "Come snuggle Emilia. Emilia, come snuggle me! Come on my lap!" This is what I walked down to. Ugh. My heart.

Sunday was SUPER busy. In the morning I took Dom to church/Cornerstone, and David took Emilia and Sherlock for a walk. We had to walk him in the morning because we were planning to be out the rest of the day.

Right when I got home from church we packed up and went to David's mom's birthday brunch. We put Emilia down for her nap there and played games while Dom played and watched some TV. 

After brunch we packed up and went straight to Port Moody to Jeff & Marta's place to attempt swimming with the kids. I had low expectations, as last time Dom would barely put a toe in the water and cried and whined the whole time. Well... Dom FAR exceeded my expectations. He initiated everything and was all over the place playing and splashing and being tossed around. Amazing. He had SO much fun. Emilia was a little koala bear attached to me, but that's okay. I'm not a swimmer anyway. I still stuck my feet in the hot tub and snuggled her. 

I got this bathing suit for under $10 at Talize last year. So glad I did! Also glad 1 piece bathing suits are acceptable to wear again :) #twobabybelly

Slippery fish. I think he's ready for swimming lessons! Also, I think potty training will be like swimming. It'll be nope nope panic panic YES!

After swimming the whole fam jam (12 of us in total) went to a pizza place (Spacca something) close to J&M's. Such fun, and we realized that in a few years it will likely be nearly impossible for all of us and kids to spontaneously go to a restaurant like that. 

We are eligible for upgrades, and tomorrow I am getting a new phone; I am so excited! Google Pixel 3a XL here I come! It has one of the best cameras out there (in that price range, but also in higher price ranges I think). Since that's primarily what I use my phone for, I am willing to sacrifice some other perks different brands might have.