Mom Life

I am due to return to work in 4 and a half short months. 
I have many feelings about this. In short, I don't want to. 

I will have to return Monday to Friday, 7am-3pm. We will have to put Dominic in daycare (and pay for said daycare) for all of those hours, every week. 

I have no qualms about babies and kids going to daycare; this is not a judgement post. It is just not how I always envisioned my life with children. There are even some moms out there who WANT to go back to work; who can't wait to go back to work. Power to you! All the respect!

I am not one of those moms. Yes, I only have one baby. Yes, there are days when work would seem like a break from the craziness of "mom-ing". Yes, it would be nice to do something for me. Yes, the income is necessary. Yes, the health benefits are nice. Yes, the job was good for me. 

I have to ask myself though... is it worth it? Would I trade all those things to be able to stay at home with Dominic and our future children and experience/share day to day life with them as they grow up? 

I am on the wait list for a daycare that is right next door to my work. I won't find out until October whether or not we're in for January, and I don't yet have a plan B. I sort of wonder if I'm purposely procrastinating on a Plan B. I also secretly thought I should just "accidentally" get pregnant early and not be able to get my 600 hours for another maternity leave and then there's no point! {This didn't happen for the record}. Maybe we will get so stuck I'll HAVE to stay home! This is so irresponsible and SO not like me. 

Reasons to stay home:
1. To be home. My mom was home with us until we were all in school, and looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way. Our family made many sacrifices in order for this to happen. It was important to my parents, and it's important to me. 

2. Daycare is expensive. Again, I have no issue with people putting their kids in daycare. I even think it can be beneficial in many ways! If I returned to work and put Dom in daycare full time, half my income would go towards that. I would be paying half my working wages just to not see him for 40+ hours per week. A large portion of the time I would see him would be sleep time. 

3. It is what I feel is best for me and my family. I always gave it my all and took pride in my work, but I take way more pride in being a mom. I am scared I wouldn't have the energy to work well, "mom" well, "wife" well, and take care of myself. If I do something I like to give it 100% and I can't give 100% that many ways.

4. My mental health is 10x better. I feel so much better now than I have in the past few years. I am not on any medication and to be honest, I don't miss them. Granted life is pretty "easy" right now with just one baby. Talk to me when I have two or three kids running around and I'm trying to keep my shit together. At the moment though, I have never felt better and I fear returning to work will cause the stress/anxiety/exhaustion/depression to return. 

Reasons to return to work:
1. Money. Fact of the matter is, it would be REALLY tough to pay all our bills on one income. Especially since David's income varies month to month. His company is still growing, but there are definitely peak and slow seasons which makes it quite unpredictable. 

2. Health benefits. The benefits I pay into through Fraser Health have served us well, although I'll admit we don't use them for all they're worth. We could pay into a plan through the business David subcontracts with, but the dental coverage isn't quite as good and it is another added expense of staying home. 

3. I would lose all my Fraser Health seniority, and a secure job. It would be really hard for me to leave something that has served us so well. The hours were perfect, I enjoyed most of the job, my coworkers and managers were great and I was very secure. 

4. I don't like the unknown. What would I do when our kid(s) are back in school? I don't have much in the way of education or work experience and I fear it would be really hard for me to find a job when the time comes. I've never known what I wanted to do for a career. Maybe I'm just not a career person? I always just wanted to have and raise a family and that was my focus, causing me to leave SFU after two years. 

So really... it all comes down to money. Can we afford it? Would it be responsible? Could we make it work? 

There are opportunities to make money while staying at home. I could take in another child or two (not sure our place is well set up for this). I could join an MLM or sales business (really really not interested in sales of any kind). I could do some book-keeping (would have to look into some courses).

I don't know. I guess this post is more of a rant than anything. I hope that getting some of this stuff written down will free up some space in my head and allow me to sleep better and not stress so much about it. Not that I'm any closer to making a decision. I understand some women can't even entertain the idea of not returning to work. I'm not positive I don't fit under that category either. If only the mortgage paid itself! 

Rant over. Here's hoping for a sign or a lottery win in the next couple months! 

What I like to pretend being Mom looks like:

Happily hanging out on the patio all day

Happily relaxing on the couch together

Happy outings together 

Happy evening snuggles after bathtime

Happily enjoying vacation together

Happily eating everything I put in front of him

What it actually looks like:

Oh you wanted me to play nicely by myself? No. I eat your shirt. 

You wanted me to sit nicely beside you so you could pump? No. I try to crawl all over you and cry and scream for attention. 

You're hot and sweaty and just want to shower? No. I need to be touching you at all times. But now I'm also hot and sweaty and whiny. 

You wanted to write your blog while I played with my musical toy? No. I will grab your foot and cry at you for attention. 

You wanted me to have some naked time by myself to air out my bum? Nope. You must hold me while I pull your hair and chew on your shirt and scratch your face. 

 

Silly mom. Thinking you could watch the news that morning... I'm always watching you!