How am I REALLY doing?

How are you adjusting to being a mom of 3?
How are you adjusting to the new baby?
How are you doing?

Do you really want to know, or are these just polite questions to ask?
*I'm not offended when people ask these questions, I just know I fluff up my answers 99% of the time*

My answer usually:
Oh, you know! It's crazy! 
Haha hanging in there!
Oh fine, Eva is the best baby! The big kids are nuts though haha!
*Notice the exaggerated excitement and laughter and smiles?*

How am I REALLY doing?
I'm struggling. I'm struggling hard. I have completely lost my identity, and feel like I am wearing a thousand hats, and being pulled in a thousand directions at the same time. I know I need to take care of myself first (oxygen mask metaphor), but I don't have time; I don't even know what that looks like. I don't know what to do when I do finally get a "break". Who even am I? 

I am sad. I am so extremely critical of myself (Type 1 Perfectionist on the Enneagram), I have this narrative in my head that I am not enough. I'm not good enough. I am not doing enough. Things are falling apart and it's all my fault that I can't keep up. I'm not cut out for this. The kids aren't getting the attention they deserve. My husband definitely isn't getting the attention and gratitude he deserves. I am neglecting myself and my health. The dog doesn't get the attention, grooming, and walks he needs. The kids aren't eating as well as I'd like. My clothes don't fit. The list goes on...

I am resenting those around me. The big kids because they need/take so much of me. They make the most mess, the most noise, they eat the most often, they yell and whine the most, they fight, they're unpredictable, etc. It's not their fault... They're 3 and 4.5. Then I proceed to beat myself up for even feeling this way about them, and feeling like I should want to spend time with them and do things with them, and feeling like I can't go out with them or take them anywhere or do things to fill their buckets. I have started resenting David because in my head, his mind is free of all this burden, and he gets to go out and work and do things he loves. 

I have these negative thoughts and feelings, and then beat myself up for having these negative thoughts and feelings, and it just goes in circles. The dark thoughts creep in and I know they're not true, but they take over. I try to shoo them away, but they get louder and louder until it's all I can hear and I start to believe them. It's frustrating because I recognize exactly what is going on clinically. I know I am suffering postpartum depression. I know everything I'm experiencing has been experienced to some degree by any mother who has suffered postpartum depression/anxiety. I know it's not real. I know it will get better. I know I am doing a great job. I know I'm not a burden. I know I'm enough. For some reason, when the negativity swoops in, knowing all of these things is not enough. There's nothing anyone can say or do to turn me around. 

I was confused about how this so suddenly took hold of my life. I've been genuinely coasting along, doing pretty well until a week ago. As I think about it, I realize that it coincides with almost the exact time that the kids' preschool ended for the summer, and suddenly I am parenting 3 all day every day. I rarely get a break, and when I do, I use it to work, clean, cook, and maybe shower. By the time the evening rolls around, either Eva is fussy, or there are things around the house that need to get done, or the dog needs a walk, or I feel like I should want to spend time with David, and the pressure becomes too much and I tank. I can do nothing but zone out on the couch, and maybe watch a couple shows before going to bed, just to do it all over again. I know it's not normal. I know it can/should be better. 

Another reason this caught me off guard, is because when people ask how you're doing during the first couple months postpartum, you (or I anyway) assume they're referring to the new baby. I always assumed postpartum depression was depression triggered by the new baby. While it is in a sense, Eva is not my trigger. Noise, being pulled in different directions, wearing too many hats, putting too much pressure on myself, mess... those are my triggers. Eva is the easiest part of my day, just laying happily on the floor for 45 minutes, taking good naps most of the time, and only up maybe one time each night to feed. Because I've been so in love with her, and confident with her, I've sloughed off any questions about postpartum. She's great! I love her! I can't get enough of her!

I have neglected to consider that maybe the rest of my life, on top of having a baby (even an easy one) is too much. I work, I am a mom to two preschool aged kids, I am a wife, I am a housekeeper, I am a dog mom, I have a newborn, and somewhere in all of that, I am me. 

I am being followed by Reproductive Mental Health, and have been having appointments with a Psychiatrist over Zoom. Until today, everything has been hunky-dory and she kept remarking on how well I seem to be doing. I genuinely felt that. Finally at today's appointment I felt the shoe drop. Ahhh yes... Now I understand why I wanted to be followed by this team! I originally asked for a referral after some hospital trauma 4 days postpartum when I had secondary postpartum hemorrhaging and ended up in the hospital for two days. I still haven't dealt with that, and it comes up more and more lately in the wee hours of the night when I'm trying to sleep. I went many weeks without even thinking about it, and now suddenly it's back. 

I am so grateful I asked for that referral. I have a professional checking in on me, specifically looking at my mental health, and how I'm adjusting. The doctor validated my feelings today, and reassured me that what I'm feeling is not normal, and it will not be this way forever. I am upping my dosage of Wellbutrin from 150mg to 300mg (which I now recall I started doing when Emilia was 3 or 4 months old, too). What is going on in my head, has nothing to do with me as a mother, or a wife, or a person. It has everything to do with a chemical imbalance, and a major life adjustment, and spreading myself too thin. 

In addition to taking a higher dose of Wellbutrin (which should kick in in about 10 days), I am going to work on prioritizing. What are some things that cause me stress and put pressure on me that I can let go for a while until things start to feel better inside? I haven't officially made my list yet, but I have a feeling the kids are going to be eating a lot more Annie noodles, granola bars, french fries and fruit snacks, and watching a lot more movies in the coming week(s). I am also going to work on actually taking breaks when they're offered. Mom takes the big kids for three hours on a Tuesday? Don't spend the entire time working... Don't fill it up with chores... Take a shower, do my nails, put on some makeup, do a craft, move my body, do things that are just for me.

I am not writing this to ask for help or sympathy. Part of it is that writing helps me to process my emotions and thoughts. Part of it is that I wish more people around me were open about their mental health postpartum. I know it helps me to know others have felt the same, but also to hear their specific experience. What sort of thoughts do you have? What kind of triggers do you have? How did you get through it? 

Just getting this off my chest and out in the open feels better. I don't want anyone to feel that they have to tiptoe around me. I'll be okay. I have a beautiful family, a super loving and patient husband, and I get help (I just have to learn to accept it)! I'm feeling more optimistic today, I am excited for the meds to kick in and to feel better, and to make some changes to help the process along. 

I'm always surprised by who/how many read my posts, so thank you and love you all! 
If you're feeling any of these things, get help! Talk about it! Destigmatize mental health. <3

Not a direct quote, but you get the idea :)

If you know, you know.

These three. Love them to death, and boy are they busy!

*@BigLittleFeelings on Instagram encourages people to use the word "and" instead of "but". In the above sentence, I can both love my kids and be exhausted by them. It doesn't need to be a but. There's nothing taken away from my love for them because they're busy. Try it. It's a great way to reshape your thought patterns and minimize some mom guilt. I had it typed out as "but", and then reread it, and started to feel bad about thinking that way. The simple change of that word makes it better.*

The face of postpartum depression. It can be invisible (except for the greasy hair and tired eyes). Check on your friends. Ask them how they're REALLY doing.