Okay let's start off with an over-sharing moment. Scroll down if you don't feel like reading it and just want to get to the fluff haha!
Two or three days before we left the cabin I started having this strange tickly sort of feeling in my chest. Sort of like a tension... I didn't (and still don't) know how to describe it. Anyway, it wasn't a big deal and I just carried on pretending it wasn't happening as it was pretty minor. When we got home from the cabin and I got back to regular life it continued to get worse and worse and started feeling like the chest pain I had before I hemorrhaged and had to go to the hospital again 3 days after having Eva.
At this same time, my mental health was absolutely spiraling. There were no coping skills. Just tears and yelling and stress and chest pain. All of this (minus the chest stuff) was happening before we went to the cabin too, so that's how I know the cabin wasn't the full reset I needed, but rather a nice break from my reality. By Tuesday (Jul 9) I wasn't functioning as a human. I talked about what was going on with a couple people which always helps a bit, and made a Dr. appointment for myself this past week to see if I need a medication adjustment, and to see if this chest pain I was experiencing was anything to be concerned about.
I did spin class on the Tuesday and Wednesday to see if exercise would help my brain and my chest. It did not, but it also didn't aggravate it further. On Wednesday I went to work, which was a break from home I was really looking forward to. I knew deep in my gut that what I needed most immediately was a break. All I could spit out in my meltdowns was that "I just need time. I just need space. I just need to breathe." Essentially... I need the house to myself for a while. With all the kids home all the time, and Dave home all the time, and the no routine, and the heat, and all the mental load of summer, food, packing, (and the list goes on), my adrenaline was going 24/7 and I was burnt out; the battery was empty.
Anyway, at work on Wednesday I was experiencing more chest pain and just icky feeling. Not like pain pain. Just... discomfort. Pressure. Tightness. Dr. Google told me maybe I had low blood pressure. The night before my heart was working WAY too hard at bed time. I was falling asleep and it was still 100BPM+. Not comfortable. I started getting worked up that maybe this was something to do with my Pulmonary AVM/stroke, etc. I realized that if I can have a stroke, anything can happen. Nothing is off the table.
I checked my blood pressure on the way home from work at the grocery store and it was 121/52. That is low... very low on the diastolic. The systolic is high for me. Normal for me is 100-110/65-75. Dr. Google didn't have good things to say about such a low diastolic pressure so that didn't help my anxiety about it all. I had called the Lung Clinic to see if I could talk to a doctor there, but never heard back. (I also haven't heard about my embolization date which is frustrating).
I am very lucky to have a doctor in the family who was willing to do a little phone assessment with me and go over all my symptoms. Everything seems stable other than my BP, but I learned that after a large medical event (like a stroke for example), your brain can manifest anxiety in more physical ways than it used to. Anxiety for me used to just be a general feeling. An irritable, tense, high-strung feeling. As it turns out, now it gets to be chest pain and low BP. That's how we're operating at this point anyway - my doctor seems to agree. Bizarre.
During all of this, Mom and Dad offered to take the kids last last Friday during the day. I took them up on it and had a full 6 hours to myself. I had a podcast and music in my ear and puttered around the house and didn't talk to anyone and did the things I wanted to do and got the main floor looking and feeling manageable. When I was eating lunch that day was the first time in over a week I was able to take a full breath without having pain (or possibly take a full breath at all). The relief I felt was immense. I knew I just needed a break. I just needed someone to take all the noise away. My basic needs were not being met for far too long, and it wore me down.
After that, I have had a reset in my brain. My physical symptoms quickly went from an 8.5-9/10 to like a 3-5/10, and now are completely gone. My coping skills are right back to "normal". I can parent like I want to parent (with speaking kindly instead of yelling and throwing things...). The house feels good again. I can make decisions. I can handle the regular every day noise and routine.
I am hoping I can get organized now while I'm feeling good, and figure out a routine that will work for our family and is sustainable for the summer. If I can get the house to myself for a few hours a week I will be able to be a useful human, parent and wife.
This has also made me sort of excited for September. Eva will be in preschool Tuesdays and Thursdays. That means my schedule will open up significantly. I'll be entering a new stage of motherhood and hopefully self-development.
Anywho! That was a personal update no one asked for...
As an act of desperation and having to get out of the house, I brought the kids to Don Christian Park on Tuesday morning. It actually went pretty well and I was optimistic about the rest of the day. It didn't carry over unfortunately, but the park itself was a relative success!
Read a few pages of my book. Or.. read a sentence at a time between interruptions.
Tuesday afternoon we were invited to Jeff & Marta's for dinner and splash pad. Emilia and I had horseback riding, so I hid in the kitchen while they played to make us an early dinner before we had to leave. I say hid, and I mean hid. I wasn't up for socializing at allllll. Glad the kids had a chance to cool down though! It had been such a hot weekend.
This is always a highlight though. We got another new horse this week that we've been eyeing for a while. Her name is Lily, she's an Icelandic horse (the only horse breed we know haha), and she's Blue's best friend. She was lovely and Emilia hopes to ride her again this week. If she does, she may try bareback trot for the first time!
It was disgustingly hot in there, but look at her go! <3
While I was at work Wednesday Dave took the kids to wash the van. They did it the old fashioned hands on way which is cute and fun!
My concerning readings after work.
We decided to do burgers for dinner on Wednesday so I wouldn't have to think about anything. I sat outside while the kids played, and then we watched Shrek together after dinner. Actually 4 of us watched Shrek. Emilia watched ballet videos upstairs because new things make her nervous :).
Since Eva was a newborn she's loved rumpling sheets up in her hand while she's falling asleep sucking her thumb. I was sitting beside her and got my pants all rumpled up in her little fingers <3 <3 I feel so special haha.
The kids were well aware Mommy wasn't feeling good. We shared an age appropriate amount of what was going on, and assured them (especially Dom who was concerned after my stroke) that I was going to be okay, nothing was their fault, etc.
It got to the point that I took a pregnancy test (negative thank goodness). I suddently got freaked out like, "What if I'm pregnant?! I have an IUD so that would mean it would likely be an ectopic pregnancy! And the doctors all told me that pregnancy with my condition (pulmonary AVM) could be incredibly dangerous due to the increased blood volume so maybe that's why my chest hurts!" bla bla bla. Love that irrational inner voice.
On Thursday by some miracle all three kids played happily outside with a neighbour boy for a couple hours. They ate their lunch outside, they played nicely, they were active, and it allowed me a few moments to breathe. I thought to myself, "Yes... this is what I need. I need space. I need time." It was the first moment in weeks I thought I might make it through the summer. Sounds so dramatic, I know. It is. It was also very real for me.
Friday was the day Mom & Dad took the kids. I did a lot of organizing and cleaning around the main floor, puttered, read, ate, went to the bathroom when I had to, walked the dog, and listened to podcasts about mental health as a mom. Very relatable haha. I think I would benefit from therapy (as everyone would), but I also already have a lot of the tools and when I'm given the space to breathe, I can use them effectively. The space combined with my medication I've been on for many years will hopefully be enough!
Sherlock quit on me halfway through our walk haha. Too hot I guess. And all he really wants to do is chase the ball, never mind a proper walk!
Friday afternoon we went out to Scott & Ashleigh's for dinner, play, and to celebrate Scott's last day of work at his old job as he moves on on Monday!
A couple random weekend moments...
Eva very busily doing her makeup.
The aftermath. She is very proud of how "beautiful" she looks... :| haha
On July 13 we welcomed a new member to our family. We've been looking for a car for a long while now since Dave's Golf was becoming unreliable. If you know us, you know that cars is one thing we NEVER agree on. He sucked me in though. We found a compromise car. It's sporty and fancy for him, and fuel efficient and manual for me. I wanted a hybrid, but then the stick shift convinced me haha.
Jesse & Kirstin came over for games and stu-garitas one evening
Sunday morning car-jacker as we're getting loaded up for church
Eva ran off, but the girls wore matching dresses to church <3
Last Sunday Scott & Ash had a housewarming/baby shower at their new place. The kids had a blast running to and from the trampoline, eating all the cupcakes, and playing ladder ball.
I registered Dom & Emilia for swimming lessons at the local outdoor pool. I was pretty nervous because it's 5 days a week for 2 weeks. I was nervous about getting out of the house, having my mornings occupied every day, and not feeling like we had the summer freedom. As it turns out my nerves were for naught! The kids are just over halfway through their lessons and it has been amazing. They don't complain even for a second every time we go. They are learning WAY more and faster than I think they would if it was the 2x/week for 4 weeks like Dom did before. It gets us outdoors to a park and swimming every day and gives us some sense of routine. I am actually considering signing them up again for the next round after this week for another two weeks. I am guessing they'll both be doing level 1 again and there are 2 spots left at this same time. Hmm...
The first lesson. They're sitting exactly the same haha. They're both doing amazing! I wasn't sure how Emilia would do, but considering she's by far the youngest/smallest and had never done any sort of swimming lessons before, she's doing great. Really great! Dom has come a very long way from a few months ago too!
Last Monday we went for a playdate and BBQ at Elissa & Michael's. The kids and Makenna played and played and played. There was an intense amount of laughter and fun on the trampoline with the sprinkler underneath.
And of course this little lady hung out too! :)
Picking fresh lettuce for with our dinner
Impossible to get a nice shot of all 4 of them
Goober photobomb
Now we go to the playground every day before swimming lessons. I feel so accomplished haha. I'm doing the things! I'm doing the summer things! Go me!
Speaking of summer things, these girls are sitting in a bucket full of cold water together haha. It was so hot. Like 35 degrees. Sprinkler and water play was necessary!
Oh hello, Blue!
I am feeling so much better in my head. This situation would have put me over the edge a week ago. This many people touching me while it's hot and I'm just trying to get through bedtime? Now I am okay to sit down and read. Thinking about it it's hard to imagine how things felt so hard. That's what mental health does to you though!
The Amazon driver helping Eva on her bike haha
Eva and I went to the Dr. on Wednesday. I took her in to have some lymph nodes checked out that were really swollen and firm on her neck. The same side that had the tick on it (did I tell that story yet? Gross... long story short, a tick was on her from the cabin and well fed and then we noticed lymph nodes). We have a follow up in a week and a half to check on things, but we feel it's unlikely that it's related to the tick bite.
My appointment was to discuss the mental health concerns. I made the appointment while I was having chest pains. By then everything was okay, but it was good to have everything documented anyway and to have a plan if things start going downhill again.
Thank you Temu for the sticker sheets! She was happy and busy for over half an hour while we waited
On Thursday Gramma and Grandpa came over and took us out for lunch at Montana's! That was a lovely surprise :)
What a good Mommy bird! There's a nest in our neighbour's tree we found while Dave and I had a games night on the back patio.
Free beer from another neighbour after he bought some and didn't love it. Score!
Last Friday we went to Boston Pizza for dinner with Jesse, Kirstin, Wren and Nate. The kids ran amok and everyone enjoyed their pizza haha. After dinner, our family went up to the outdoor pool for the free public swim! It was so so fun. We will definitely do that again when the weather gets hot again! Fun for the kids to show us all their new skills, and Eva just laughed hysterically the whole time bobbing around with her water wings. No pictures though since we were at the pool...
On Saturday Aunty Lasagna came over and we did some crafts and activities with the kids. Grape jello popsicles, chalk, tie-dye shirts, and a lego zipline!
We didn't get any proper pictures of the Lego zipline, but Emilia's creation won haha. I definitely thought I was going to win. Oh well! We raced them from the basketball hoop down to where I was holding the two strings.
Seeing her reflection in the Jello
Dom's
Eva's
Emilia's
We went to Mom & Dad's for dinner and Mom had made this burrata, heirloom tomato and BBQ roasted peach salad. Oh man. To die for. My mouth is watering all over again.
Sunday we stayed home from church and I got sooo much done in the morning while Dave had the kids playing outside! We watched the F1 race (such a great one - so much drama), got the tie dye finished up, cleaned all our blinds, and cleaned the fans in our room. Huzzah!
Turned out sooo cute!!
This is pretty cool. They all chose their own colours and did 90% of it (or more) completely on their own. Fun that they get to show off the results of their hard work!
Dave was out last night and I took the kids to the park by our place. Emilia for some reason wanted to ride her old old bike that is 2+ sizes too small. *shrug*. She struggled haha
This morning we had swimming lessons again and I packed some snacks and we went to the library!
A puppet show theatre at the library
Two weeks ago I wasn't sure how I'd make it through the summer. Today, I am feeling relaxed and in control. I have read three books since we left for the cabin, I am continuing my workouts, I am tackling household tasks I've been struggling to get on, I'm feeling more inspired to cook, I am getting out of the house every day, and the kids are benefiting from all of this too. There will still be ups and downs throughout the next 6 weeks until school starts, but for now I am feeling incredibly relieved and mostly optimistic!
